Today, I thought I was doing so well. As always, I couldn't go an hour without thinking about Rose, but I managed to get through the first half of work without dwelling on Slender shit or Violet's situation. Then, during my smoke break, I caught myself drawing an Operator symbol with the ashes of my cigarette.
Two steps forward, one step back. Seems to be a recurring theme these days.
Violet and Riley had a fight yesterday. He's been pestering her day and night to make sure she's safe, checking in on what she's doing and where she's going. She says that at first it made her feel better, but now it makes her feel like he's less her boyfriend than her parole officer. I spoke to her today on the phone. I can't say how it's affecting her pen theory, but I can say that she had a wicked cough. I encouraged her to see things from his perspective, that he was only acting this way because he cared so much. Hopefully they'll be all good by the weekend.
Father Kelly called me today. I haven't really mentioned it, but since that night at the church, he's been a huge help to me. I've started going to church again, though I must admit that it's more out of a sense of reciprocity than anything; he's been such a comfort that I'm kind of obliged to go, even on the days when I'm not feeling very believery. Then again, I was always reluctant to believe anyway.
Which leads me to a rather crucial point (okay, not really, but I'm going there anyway; forced segue, for the win!). Father Kelly doesn't know all the details about what's going on; he'd probably have me committed if I told him about it, so I've stuck to making veiled metaphors like "personal demons" and other sorts of things. He pointed out to me that I've been referring to this "personal demon" so much that it sounds almost like I've forgotten there's a good side (that is, God, and other...stuff. He can be maddeningly vague sometimes.) to counter it.
And he's right. Sometimes it does get extremely difficult to remember that there's any good left in the world at all.
Maybe that could be a key step in fighting him -- Violet's Constant Theory may be an unwitting branch of a larger concept. The part that really makes her pen effective (at least, as far as she is concerned; perception is still an issue here) is that she recognizes that for all the evil that the Slender Man represents, perhaps the ultimate evil, is countered by her own personal ultimate good, Riley. The fact that she's fighting with Riley right now -- and the implications of her cough getting worse -- could be seen as proof of that theory.
And while we're doing all this theorizing, I keep waiting to see him around every corner. I've even started thinking about what I'll do if it happens. Father Kelly gave me a rosary a couple of days after that night at the church. He told me that the next time I felt lost, to think of it like a compass. I've chosen that as my Constant, should the need for it arise.
I figure it's probably a good idea to put my faith in God rather than in a guy, no matter what my doubts have been. After all, a man can fail. I can become disenchanted or disappointed with a man. Or he can die. God can be an ideal, and ideals tend not to lose their luster over time. At least, let's hope not.