Monday, September 13, 2010

Politics or, the Difference Between Slendy & Stalky

I never thought I’d say this, but thank god for stupid, arbitrary local politics.

The primary state and county elections are being held tomorrow, so Craig and the rest of us have been scrambling to get to all the candidates for comments and interviewing citizens on their opinions. Tomorrow should be just as busy. With the missing kids preliminary story already up and the election to concentrate on, I don’t need to follow it until the police come up with something new (or at least until the election is over). I’m on lunch break now, sitting in Panera Bread.

In other news, after we got home from Virginia last night, I finally got around (at Vi’s behest) to looking up some stuff about that Slender Man myth. Okay, “information binge” is a more appropriate term, because I was definitely up later than I should’ve been looking at it, but I must say, it’s an interesting concept. I watched the Marble Hornets videos, which were, admittedly, really creepy, and I read a few of the blogs, including Just Another Fool and Seeking Truth. Both of them were fantastic stories.

I mean, that’s all they are—stories—but I can see what Vi is thinking, and I agree that the mythos does have something to do with what's happening here. Using this information, I can assemble a sort of timeline for Rose:

First: Rose stumbled upon, was shown, or was otherwise exposed to the Slender Man myth on the internet. Being the kind, impressionable (and easily fooled into the paranormal) person that she is, she was suitably freaked out.

Second: The stalker she described to me started following her. Now, we’ve both dealt with respective stalkers before (both of them were ex-boyfriends, and mine was considerably more determined than hers was) and made it through, but I can see how a stalker who is tall, creepy, dressed in a business suit, and good at making himself scarce after she’s seen him would conjure up the wrong kind of imagery for her. In fact, he wouldn’t even have to be that tall; because Rose is only about 5’4”, anything above six feet would be enough to qualify as tall enough to scare her into Slender-paranoia.

Next: After having convinced herself she’s being followed by the Slender Man, she no doubt started exhibiting his “symptoms” in what now seems to be more like a psychosomatic problem. She looked online and found out about the Operator symbol (which, as far as my research has gone, is an interesting thing to use in itself) and the creepy stick figure drawings, and that’s when they started to fill her notebook.

Finally: She’s fully convinced that she is, indeed, being haunted by a paranormal being, when really it’s some clever jerkoff in a suit.

In conclusion: Rose, if you’re reading this (and you know you are), take a look at the evidence. This guy isn’t Slender Man; he’s just like Derek, an idiot with boundary issues and a crush. See—Stalker Man ≠ Slender Man. Now, I'm coming over to your house on Wednesday to get you and we're going down to see Sheriff Thomson and file a report. The END.

And as for Stalky himself: Listen, you sick bastard, Rose doesn’t know you. She doesn’t like you, and she sure as hell is not secretly in love with you. And no, she wouldn’t be anyway “if she only knew the real you.” Because the real you is just as much of a creepy twat-waffle as the you that’s scaring her. You understand? Your presence is only hurting her. Now back off.

What happened to asking people for a coffee date? Seriously, Stalker Man, all this could’ve been avoided.

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